The first book I read on my Kindle was Stephen Shbosky's "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" - an emotional coming-of-age story centered on a character you come to love so much. The novel felt similar to Holden Caulfield's story in the "Catcher and the Rye." I now know that this is a common comparison, but one big difference I see is the likability of the protagonist. In "Perks" I want to be friends with Charlie and help him through his troubles. On the other hand I'm worried about Holden, but I definitely don't want to hang out with him. Another difference I found is that Charlie's emotions and thoughts were easier to relate to. I realize Charlie has deep-seated emotional and psychological issues that I could never understand. His introversion, anxious episodes, and one-sided friendships are all very extreme versions of how I feel at times. But upon finishing the novel I couldn't help but wonder, am I a wallflower? I don't think I am, but there are certain characteristics in me that I am hoping to make less prominent in this brand new year:
1. Pleasing people. I have an incessant need to make other people happy. This is a great characteristic because it makes me a likable person and don't we all just want to be liked? This is a terrible characteristic because I don't speak up when I want something. This is not to the extreme of kissing my gay friend against my own will just to make them feel better as Charlie did in "Perks," but I do go to lengths to please others even if that means I'm unhappy.
2. Over-thinking decisions. I am an extremely reflective person as Charlie is in the novel. It takes me a lot of thought and research to make decisions. I know it's good to put a lot of thought into decisions, but many times I get carried away. One fear that constantly surfaces after an important decision is made is "What if that was the wrong decision?!" dum dum dum... One of my favorite Aunt's always says "Once you've made a decision, it's the right one." I try to repeat this to myself while I'm tossing and turning at night wondering if pursuing my masters so early was a good decision or if I made a mistake in letting a past relationship go. I believe my aunt is right in most instances. However, I think snorting crack or doing meth are probably always bad decisions.
3. Apologizing. I am constantly apologizing if I feel I haven't pleased someone or I've made a wrong decision. For example, I am not very good at keeping track of my cell phone. I'm a reliable person, I just don't always answer it or call back right away. I'm glad I'm like this. I like living in the moment and observing the world around me. My cell phone is not an extension of my body and most people that call me don't need me to call them back right away. The same goes when I'm contacting other people. Unless something is urgent, I am not offended if someone forgets to call back or reply to a text. However, I'm constantly apologizing to people for being this way. Why? I like being this way and I'm not sorry, but I'm afraid this isn't pleasing to other people.
If you're still with me after all this, thank you very much for being here. I'm hoping that through this blog and my everyday life I will learn how to to say and do what I want (within reason) without feeling guilty about it. I want to be a bit bolder and less apologetic. Although I loved "Perks" and the main character, I want to relate less to Charlie and more to my aunt. But don't worry, I don't plan on doing anything drastic like snorting crack.
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| my new years resolution |
Love,
Logan
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